I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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