Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
