He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Randomize
