remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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