either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
That was before I lit my hair on fire
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
