if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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