I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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