i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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