I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.�
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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