Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
