the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Someone came in the potted fern
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
