he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
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