This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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