but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
