I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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