they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
