when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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