Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
