Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
