i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
