Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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