Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
