Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Randomize
