just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I puked a lego.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
