you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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