Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
