I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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