Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
So here I am, sexting at work.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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