I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Randomize
