If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I party with great urgency now.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
