how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
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