Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
