I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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