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K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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