is your mom at the bar?
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
