Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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