whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
