Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
