1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
