so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
