I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
