Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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