I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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