I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
