Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Randomize
