I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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