Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I want to have your abortion
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
