I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
