My nipple is on Facebook.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
