Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
